After spending far, far too long in a covers band, I finally hit the stage as a solo performer on Thursday night. It is actually 8 years since I last performed as me and not some watered down, hiding behind other peoples songs, version of me. Okay, so it was only a slot at an Open Mic night, but, I played 2 of my new songs and they went down really well. At one point I swear I even saw some people stop talking during the second song and actually start listening, nodding their heads approvingly! It was a slightly bittersweet moment for me, as that very afternoon I had heard the news that the Great John Martyn had very sadly passed away. When I first heard "Solid Air" it was almost like an epiphany - you could play acoustic guitar and sing about love, hurt and death, without it turning into some dire blues cul- de - sac. I also loved the fact that here was this Oxymoron who sang like a wounded angel, but, was just as happy knocking back bucket loads of the black stuff and, then, getting into the boxing ring with his bass player, Danny Thompson, with only one thing on his mind - to smash the living shite out of Danny. Watching a recent documentary on the Big Man, it was quite startling to see him morph from the cherubic Folkie of his early years into the Colossus of later years. Two things remained constant, his utter lack of interest in the business and it's futile attempts to pigeonhole him, and his heartbreaking voice, which in later years had transformed into an almost drunken, slurring, jazz instrument all of it's own. I dedicated my second song to him and saw the that look in a few people's eyes around the room, who recognised the man's immense talent. And while some of those people were indeed "Old Heads", there were also a few of the younger members of the audience who knew of him as well. He always was one of our best kept secrets.
At the end of a very busy night where the performers ranged from the sublime to the ridiculous, I was buoyed by the sense of self belief in some of those people who, although their ambition far outweighed their talent, were clearly having a whale of a time and really going for it. A good time was had by all and, at the end of the night, I got chatting to one of my fellow artists who made some very kind remarks on my performance. As I was about to bid my farewells, she asked me why it had been 8 years since my last show. I did not have a real answer, I mumbled something about raising children, but, in all honesty there was no reason, other the fact that it is rooted within the struggle I have had for the last 25 years - do people actually like me?
Now, I realise that I am venturing into the realms of Psycho therapy cue cards, but, this latest musical venture had very little to do with Music. It was more to do with my crushing lack of Confidence and Self Belief, which then leads to Low Self Esteem - a most unholy trilogy. The much lamented, "Northern Exposure" TV show, once carried off almost half a series with a vertically challenged (in your face, P.C. brigade) character who was actually Ed Chigiak's low self esteem brought to life. Once Ed had realised that this condition was actually affecting his life, the scene ends with little guy, tail between his legs, wandering off into the woods. Now, I am not saying that I actually saw my little guy trundling off towards the exit of the Pub on Thursday night, following my performance, but, it did look an awful lot like he was searching for his coat.
Peas and Fluff
Mick
